I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
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I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
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He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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