the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
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