did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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