I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
