I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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