was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
