I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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