I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
