i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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