For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
