Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
