apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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