She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
