saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
is wine microwaveable?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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