So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
