Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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