smell my finger.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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