just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
