How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
