two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize