It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
