you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
