she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
