She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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