checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
