dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
