Barsexuality is the new black.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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