Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
