I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
