ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
