Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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