i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
