Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
