I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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