What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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