I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
