I cannot find my penis.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
