I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
