Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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