I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
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Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
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You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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