And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
