just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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