it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
