I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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