dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
