Swine flu. Run for my life!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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