why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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