better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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