Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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