i love accidental penises.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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