At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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