apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
