Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
