I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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