did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
