Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
