You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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