she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
